There Were Two in the Bed and the Little One Said Get the Fuck Out

For all my talk about dating and being in a relationship, I wonder if I actually even want to be in one at all. I like the idea in theory, but I'm so out of practice, I could be wrong. I mean I have a routine. It's my way or the highway and if you choose the highway I'll run you over with my car. I like the way things are now. If I brought someone else in then I'd probably have to accommodate them and I don't want to do that.But more importantly, I do not like sharing the bed. I move around a lot and like to sprawl, probably because I overheat easily.If I can't even share a bed, how can I share my life??

new girl i sing to myself

I haven't even lived in the same place for more than a year since I turned 18 seven years ago. Different dorms, different universities, different apartments. Everything was in a constant state of flux, but I think I wouldn't have minded staying in the same place for a couple of years. The only problem was the roommate situation.There is nothing inherently good about living with someone else. Best case scenario is that they have nice stuff they'll share with you. Unless of course YOU are the one sharing and THEY are taking. And taking. Andtakingandtakingandtaking and never giving back.But that's not even so bad. The worst thing about living with someone else is that they're around whenever they want. Even if you don't want. And I rarely want. The longest I've lived with another person is two years. It only happened once, against my better judgment, and it was awful.The only person I can count on is my cat.

But even our relationship is precarious at best. Like when she's meowing at me to pet her and love her but I'm trying to focus on finishing my large cheese pizza. But it's also pretty annoying when she shits on my carpet and pees on my bed.

Ok I mean that bed peeing thing only happened the first couple of months that I got her. But I was ready to turn her out on the streets. Honestly, one of the reasons why I got her instead of a kitten is because she's old and I know she'll die in a reasonable amount of time. Like 5 years tops.

How people my age are already reproducing ON PURPOSE is beyond me.AND THEN, just when I think I have it all figured out, some unreasonably hot guy strikes up a conversation with me at the grocery store as the sweat from my workout is drying and a new sweat mustache is forming. I'd forgotten a bobby pin so my bangs are all askew and I'm wearing my glasses, my makeup basically all melted off at that point.I basically looked like a monster.For some reason he asked for my number and then actually used it.I don't know. I don't get it. I give up.

Orange is the New Black

When you find out that a guy you were seeing a few months ago is dating someone else. This would not be a big deal except this guy is actually going to PRISON at the end of the year for NOT a short amount of time because he did some pretty shitty stuff.
The guy who is going to PRISON has managed to find someone who will still date him even though he is GOING TO PRISON and you cannot.

Because you are a meanie.
And scare even the nicest guys away after two dates. Because you are mean.
Except you didn't even realize that you were being mean and maybe you WEREN'T but maybe the this second date guy exists on a different planet where people communicate differently than you and you weren't mean at all but you hurt his feelings anyway. And he seems like such a good guy that try to apologize for being mean EVEN THOUGH YOU WEREN'T but he's ignoring you because he's not an insane masochist and then you feel awful about it forever even though it was maybe not meant to be in the first place.

At Least My Cat Loves Me

I haven't been writing much lately and it's because all things considered, my life is going well right now. Great new job, riding horses, volunteering, graduate school, friends, and no one in my family is recently dead or anything like that. But why focus on the positive when I can focus on the negative? The negative being that after a year and a half of being single and all alone, I am still single and ALL ALONE. Besides my parents and my friends and my siblings. Whatever. None of them fill that penis shaped hole inside of me.But the real reason I haven't been writing is because my parents are reading this and it's their job to ruin my life. My mom gave me some "advice" like 6 months ago that still (!!!!) haunts me.No sex before monogamy.Sorry mom, but seriously, it's not the 40s anymore and what do you know? You got that advice from a reality show.So anyway, I was just feeling bummed every which way about the fact that there's something about me that just makes me completely unlovable to attractive, well-adjusted straight men. For a while I was trying to figure it out, like hey, I know I'm not perfect and it's completely reasonable that there might be something I might need to change. So I ran through the list of things that are maybe just "too much" for other people.

  • Too smart
  • Too pretty
  • Boobs are too big
  • Too good in bed
  • Too funny
  • Too personable
  • Too endearingly awkward
  • Too driven
  • Too good with animals
  • Too many positive qualities
  • Too crazy

WHAT OH WHAT COULD IT BE? Oh right, it's that last one. I don't like to use the word crazy when referring to women though, so instead I'll say I'm emotionally spastic instead.

kim k all alone

But like, if you're gonna date a girl, I'm pretty sure that's a given, and considering all my other qualities, I'm really the best deal you're going to get. Yet somehow I'm STILL ALONE while there are great guys dating awful girls. I mean like controlling, condescending, rude, manipulative, mean girls. And here I am, all aloney on my owny, sitting on my bed of spinsterhood with my cat next to me.Even she runs away when I try to cuddle with her.I mean so what if I expect a date to be planned an entire day ahead of time? Or if I only text a guy that I'm casually seeing every few days? I know it's a bit much to start to have feelings for someone after a single date, but what can I say...I'm just completely un-fucking-reasonable.But hey, being an crazy spinster has its perks. I can eat all the S'mores Oreos and cake and ice cream I want and never have to worry about looking good naked. And then I can use my empty ice cream pints to cry my lonely cat lady tears into.

She's Saving Herself For Luke Perry

I've been dating two different guys for the past month. That's not actually interesting in itself, but what is interesting is that the other night I got to tell one of them "I think you're too involved in your own life to be involved in mine," which makes me feel oh-so grown up, like in an I'm-still-five-years-old-feeling-like-how-I-thought-I'd-be-when-I-was-twenty sort of way. Like when I was seven years old and had a literal dream about being ten because the idea of being in the double digits was so incredible.Like woah dude, so grown up.And then the very next day I got to tell the other one, the one who I've only gone out on TWO dates with because even though we seem to genuinely like each other, we are also actually busy doing other stuff like having a life in general, you know, so it's not even at all serious. Except we do make a point to keep in touch, so.

you could say napoleon dynamite

What was I saying? Yeah, I got to tell this guy that I didn't like making plans spur of the moment like he does. I am busy and have other people to hang out with, buddy. Oh, this was on the phone, by the way. Not texting. Actual voice to voice contact. Because he's a rad dude, that's why. After I told him that, you know what he said to me? "You're gonna have to get used to it if you hang out with me," or something to that effect. I was just like

dianna agron eyebrow raise

"OH DO I NOW?"

Those are the words that I said to him. And then I was like haha no. Because seriously, no.*

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm up for last minute business, if I've spent the day unemployed, on my couch, re-watching Orphan Black in order to prepare for the season premiere next month. Just don't tell him that. I'd like to set some sort of precedent, thanks, that specifies I don't work around this kid's schedule, this fuckin west side rich kid who didn't even kiss me on the first date.

My mother would approve.

*We're going out again later this week.

Run For Your Life

You know those slasher films, where the stupid teenagers decide to split up to go looking for a murderer? The movies where you KNOW what's going to happen and you just DON'T UNDERSTAND why those teenagers are such idiots? Well I'm pretty sure that can be applied to relationships too. Like when you see your friend making the same mistakes she always makes while you're just sitting there like WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?But then you end up in the exact same position with the most successful tunnel vision that's ever occurred in the history of mankind. We all have certain patterns that we're comfortable with which tends to cause history to repeat itself. To what extent do we try to change these habits, though? To what extent should we accept certain aspects about ourselves, rather than trying to change them, and instead make the most of what we have?At some point we're all saddled with some sort of baggage. I mean all a relationship really is is two people whose issues are compatible. Try as we might to improve our weaknesses, we're all flawed and we always will be.

The NJB from NYC

I'm pretty sure I went out with Michael Cera last night. But a more Jewish, suave Michael Cera. I think I'm actually ok with this. What I'm not so ok with is how I'm writing this blog post right now instead of doing school work. Writing is writing, right? Sure, some writing takes priority, and in this case, it is the wrong writing.Anyway, Michael Cera is very good at kissing and somehow snaked his NJB self into my living room last night. We watched Adventure Time. We were far too fascinated by it. Except he isn't such a nice Jewish boy after all, because he tried smooth talking me in a way I haven't seen the likes of in quite some time. Please buddy. Like I haven't been there before. So he was straight with me, praise jesus hallelujah, one that can actually speak his mind."commitment issues, tbh" is what he told me. Of course. Please kid, like we all don't have baggage. Get over it. He's looking for something casual. He thinks. And I'm looking to get married. Get real.  And yet. He texted me after he left. He texted me all day. Planned when to go out again. Wanted to see me tonight. Ok then. Who's got the power now?A not so NJB from NYC. Sounds good to me.

Bye Bye Birdie

cam modern family drinking game gif

Everything about my sense of self has disintegrated over the past few months. What a difference a year makes. I'm less sure of everything, which I think is a nice change of pace. The city I live in is still new to me. The people are too. On top of that, my parents are moving from my childhood home, and not just to another house. To a new state. Far, far away from were I grew up. Really mom and dad, must you have your own lives? Is it really too much to ask that every single thing you do revolves around what I want?Bye bye stability.I recently went out with a guy who enjoys living his life a specific way. No consistent, lasting relationships, save with his immediate family. Definitely never having kids. Friends? Maybe. I couldn't tell. Always moving and seeing but never staying. I'm like 37% sure he was homeless. Such a life has been appealing to me for years but I've already tethered myself with responsibility. I don't know if I'd actually like it anyway. I sure do like the idea though.I've gone out with this Homeless Dude a couple times. He seriously does not want anything serious, and it's working well for me. No commitment means no expectations means no worry and no problem. He's set in his ways, has strong opinions and unpopular views and man do I love to argue with him.I'm finding more and more what I want and don't want in another person. Naturally I'm learning about myself, too. Well, that might be too generous. I'm unlearning what I thought I knew and generally flailing around trying to figure out what to do about that. I get to decide who I'm going to be, but who I want to be isn't as easy to create as I'd like. I'm recognizing old habits that I'd thought were gone. These people I want to be friends with, or do I? Drama, drama, drama. Life is just one enormous minefield. Might as well make it explode a little.

Kill Your Darlings

Last night I had the most horrible nightmare and I'm going to tell you what it was. Before you roll your eyes and stop reading because NO ONE CARES ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S DREAMS, I preface that I'll keep it quick.I had a dream that a guy that I rejected on Ok Cupid was a fucking psycho and tried to exact his revenge by shooting me. My dream self hadn't even gone out with this guy. I hadn't even officially turned him down. I merely decided that I wasn't interested. So his reaction was to bring a gun into the house/college campus/store/wherever my dream self was. I'm assuming that his intention was to murder me, but things got a little murky after that.That's what I get for watching the Doctor Who Christmas Special before bed.I deactivated my account about a month ago during my writing workshop for school. It didn't hurt that I was also only interested in Quantum Physics. However, I'm no longer as busy and the account is back! It's now tinged with fear, but I shall persevere. Plus things didn't work out with Quantum Physics and I needed to distract myself.

stay home be depressed gif

It's too bad because I really liked him. I don't mean "really" in the sense that I super liked him a whole bunch. I mean it in the sense that my feelings were genuine. Why him out of all the guys I've met over the past few months? He possessed most of the qualities I had on my check list, but that wasn't it. Those things don't magically make two people compatible, you know?It was that look. The look that two people share when something is there between them. It's that something that can't really be explained unless you're a complete stick in the mud and use science. It's a question on their part and an acknowledgment on yours. It's a secret that you create without a word. It's the seed of something bigger. It can create an entire world that belongs to just the two of you.The first time it happened was at the end of our coffee date, after he finally shut his mouth about science long enough for me to tell him I needed to move my car. With him feeling sheepish for blabbing about physics and space for like an hour and me feeling like an airhead for having nothing to contribute, we caught each other's eyes and that was that.It happened a few more times, enough for me to believe he did like me. I hope he did, if only to confirm that the wires connecting my instinct, logic, and feelings haven't gotten so completely fucked up that I can't tell at all anymore.That look isn't enough to build an entire relationship on, though. It's sort of embarrassing that I had to actually experience the extent of that truth to learn it, but I did. While Quantum Physics and I turned out to be skilled at making eye contact, we weren't quite able to build that "special world." Apparently he was too busy to say hi to me once in a while. Like that is legitimately what he told me. He was too busy. No buddy, you are not too busy. You are not so busy that you can't spare 30 seconds to text me in the morning with a simple "Have a good day." I don't think that even requires 30 seconds. More like 10. Or 5.

it's not a pen, it's a principle community annie gif

He was busy, I'll give him that, but not including me in that busy schedule was his choice. If we wanted to, he could have. It's that simple. I don't know what his reasons were for not. I don't know if he was even aware of what he was doing. But he certainly didn't have any business dating if he didn't have time for it. I mean hello.When I first noticed he was less than attentive, I was tempted to ignore it. I tried convincing myself that I was the problem and needed to calm down. I wanted too much from him. He said he was busy, didn't he? I told myself that he'd get to me when he had time.

tennenbaums i doubt that gif

Of course that attitude didn't last long because I wasn't being unreasonable. Wanting a guy you're seeing to SAY HELLO once in a while is not unreasonable. Having expectations and feelings is not unreasonable. Since I'm impatient and like to say what's on my mind, I took a chance and did something crazy. I told him what I was thinking. I told him that a little more acknowledgment of my existence would be nice. And he said he'd work on it. GREAT.Well he didn't. I brought it up again a couple weeks later. He was sort of a dick about it. So that was that.I mean really, if things started to become difficult that early on, it was not going to work. Either he was going to have to compromise or I would, and it kind of felt like we were both putting that effort in (at least I was and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, even though he definitely wasn't) and it still didn't work.One month in and it was already stressing me out. No thanks. That is definitely not the sort of relationship I want to be in. Just imagine how difficult it would be in a year or ten, let alone a lifetime. He was busy and I was undervalued. I was not clingy or needy. I was perfectly reasonable.I've been that "crazy" girl before (as inappropriate as I find the term). The one who nags because she's undervalued. The one who hears all the excuses from him and even makes them for him. The one who stays in a relationship because she's too insecure to leave, who is convinced it will get better.It was definitely the same sort of situation. Thanks but no thanks.

modern family gloria never look back gif

The Limit Does Not Exist

I finally had my second date with Quantum Physics the other night.  As usual, I use the term date loosely.  All that I'll say on the subject is that I'm glad I decided to shave my legs.We had a good time.  I don't like him as much as I thought, but I'm fine with that.  Except not really.  If I made life that simple for myself I wouldn't be a writer.  So here's the deal.  I like my life the way it is.  Unfortunately, I also like him and I want him around.  That means my life will have to change.  Possibly for the better, but still.  I like my life.  I don't want it to change.  It's not even like I want a relationship with him, because I don't like him that much (yet??) but I also don't want our good time to be one time.Great.This is the the exact same position so many of my friends have found themselves in at one point or another.  Thinking about the insightful piles of crap I've spouted in the past, I'm just amazed that none of them ever strangled me for being so level-headed and obvious.I mean it was probably because I live too far for it to be feasible, but you know.I clearly had no idea what I was talking about.  Why did they ever talk to me in the first place?  Why do I have any friends at all?  Considering what shitty advice I give, I clearly don't deserve them.  I hate myself on their behalves.  Me and my stupid logical dating wisdom.Just talk to him blah blah blah communication is important blah blah blah.  Shut up self, you don't know anything.  OF COURSE you should talk to the other person and be open about your feelings.  Literally everyone knows this.BUT WHO THE HELL ACTUALLY DOES IT?

big bang hypocrite gif

I sure know what my younger self would have done.  Panic over my feelings.  Assume that since he didn't reply to a text right away, that he's not interested in me.  Send another text to "force" him to reply.  Panic that I'm being too over eager.  Overcompensate by sending another text because THAT will DEFINITELY make things better.  Then finally get my shit together, wait, get a reply, and repeat until I have proven that I am definitely not someone that he wants to associate with further.So I'm not doing that this time.There's a reason why I've more or less sworn off guys since January.  I may know what not to do, but that doesn't mean I know what the right thing to do is.  I mean I DO know, of course.  But I also know it's not as easy as the generic Magic 8 Ball advice I always spout.All I want to do is ask him what he thinks of the new Star Wars movie trailer but since I had the last word when we were texting last night, I can't.  If I were dispelling some of my usual sage advice to a friend in the same situation, I'd say rules are for fools and do what you want.

condescending wonka gif

Oh yeah?  How's that working out for ya now Zo?  Huh?

  

Would You Rather

I thought that unwanted makeout sessions were awkward.Well, they are, but I've found a situation that gives that one a run for its money.The scene:  Your date went well, but in a friendly way.  You think it's possible that there could be more, possibly worth pursing on a second date, but not well enough to already know that you want to make future plans.  You think about the end of the night kiss, of course, because despite my mother's surprise, kissing on the first date is fairly commonplace.You know, of course, that just by questioning whether you want to kiss this guy means that you don't and that you shouldn't.  But if he goes in for it you'll be okay, you guess.  And, well, given your brief but varied dating history, that chances are that he will go in for the kiss, because of course.AND THEN HE DOESN'T AND IT GETS WEIRD.You both know what's supposed to happen.  But it's not happening.  And neither of you know what to do, because you both know that you both know what's supposed to happen, which means that despite knowing, neither of you have done what you're supposed to do.  Knowing what you both know, you CAN'T kiss now, because you'd know that you only did it because you were supposed to, despite possibly actually wanting to.Instead, you verbally, though indirectly, acknowledge what didn't happen and what was possibly supposed to happen.  You say maybe next time and then run away.  Because you are you, and in this case you is actually me.  In case you didn't get that.  I am not a cool person, despite what my leather jacket collection would have you believe.awkward kristen stewart gif

So tell me. Would you rather:

be part of the most awkward first kiss ever

OR

the aforementioned catastrophe?

harry hermione potions gif

Thus With A Kiss I Die. Again. And Again.

And we're kissing now.  Okay.  Guess he missed the point of my pointed awkward hug, huh?  At least he's not terri- that hand better not move any further.  Smart boy.  Oh aaand he's pulling me closer.  And there's the tongue.  We could not have read this night more differently.Ok bye."I'll definitely be seeing you again," he said.OH WILL YOU NOW?

umm no ru paul gif

This was the guy who rode horses.  The equestrian from Pasadena.  Taking a page from Rory Gilmore's book, I created a mental pro/con list.  I had a good enough time.  I didn't go in expecting much.  He made several stupid/douchey comments throughout our conversation which I overlooked in favor of not killing myself, but when we parted ways I began to notice just how much of a jackass he really was.

Oh, your parents are both from Missouri, which means you're not the stereotypical L.A. douche?

regina george shut up gif

Yeah, it turned out to really just be a con list.


I went out with a guy who grew up in Portland.  Maine.  Oh, he also grew up in fucking France I guess.  When did we go out?  Wednesday I think?  What's today?  Saturday.  God this is exhausting.Yeah, turns out that agreeing to go out with someone just because they're from Maine is not a good idea.  I mean I was also impressed that he was finishing writing a book and had just graduated from Cambridge.  I was like ooh, he's fancy and smart and TALL.No.Despite not actually being British, he represented the stuffy stereotype like he was getting paid for it.  I think that part of the problem was that he was old.  30 I think.  Which isn't even old unless you're a pseudo-Brit.Apparently I'm mature for my age, at least in some regard.  Like, middle-aged Uber drivers are my favorite because we have the best conversations about life.  One guy even gave me his card to keep in touch.  He was partly impressed by me because I was so coherent for being so drunk.A true sign of intelligence.All of the friends that I've made since college have been older than me, at least by a year, but most of them by several.  I tried dating a guy who was younger than me once and it was terrible.  Boys tend to mature more slowly than girls, so even a guy who's mature for his young age is still behind me.I'm so not interested in waiting around for anyone to catch up.

little house on the prairie wait for me gif

No.You'd think that an old, basically British guy would be a good fit, right?  Or something like that I guess.  But no, of course not.  Because it turns out a 30 year old British dude is the equivalent of a normal 60 year old man.Poor Kate Middleton.He didn't really want to tell me about Medieval History, the subject he likes enough to write a fucking book about, and I was over here like if someone can make me interested in Quantum fucking Physics, you can make me interested in this.  And then he was scared to give me his opinion on how Gilmore Girls is misogynistic.I can't date a stuffy old man who isn't proud of what he does and doesn't stand up for his opinions.  The end.


Ah, and then there was last night's guy.  I don't even know what to call him because there's nothing significant about him, except that I liked him.  It was the most generic date ever, which actually worked quite well.  I guess certain dates become go-tos for a reason.  A movie followed by drinks?  Bingo.We went to see the newest Hunger Games movie and it was good, but not gonna lie, I spent the entire movie thinking about the dog I played with beforehand.

turner and hooch

That dog.  The Turner and Hooch dog.  I love dogs.  A lot.  Especially mastiffs.  Especially Dogues de Bordeaux.

Is that where the goes?  Is it Dogue de Bordeauxes?  I'm pretty sure it's the same rule that applies to passers-by but who am I to say?

These are the important questions.

So, um, yeah.  My obsession with that dog didn't scare him away, so that scored him like a million points.  Umm what else is there to say?  Good dates are particularly uninteresting.  Oh, but I do have a word problem for you guys.

Zoe and Brian go out on a date.  If Brian had two beers, Zoe had one, and they both had a good time, how awkward will their first kiss be?

awk-kiss

No actually it was adorable aw yay.

You See How Picky I Am About My Shoes and They Only Go On My Feet

At this point I've gone out with an Israeli, a future murderer, a bearded guy from Indiana, a guy who spent the majority of the time talking about Quantum Physics, and a body builder from Texas.  I have started scheduling two dates into one day if possible, the first being today.  I had a breakfast date with Texas and I'm going for drinks tonight with a guy who rides horses.  That will be interesting, but he's also from LA.I have also learned that none of these are actually dates.  They are hang outs and get togethers.  I guess that does make sense, just to make sure neither party is a total psycho, but I don't think that's the reason.  I'm currently being the passive one and letting the guys call all the shots, letting them be the ones who message me first.That is, unless there's someone I'm really interested in.They all keep it vague.  Play it cool.  Most of them suggest drinks.  Only one asked me to dinner, but it ended up being a well lit, completely unromantic BBQ place.  He had crazy eyes and ate about three times less than me.  One suggested coffee, and another actually put some thought into what I might like to do (only to have to reschedule it to the breakfast instead).I suppose drinks make sense.  They have the potential to be quick but also really can't last too long.  Not for me, anyway, because sloppy drunk first impressions are not good first impressions.  It's a nice way to judge someone in that aspect though, because any guy who gets too drunk on a first date is not someone I want to see again.Out of these 5, there's only been one that I've been even a little interested in.  The guy who talked my ear off about science, of all people.  I've always found that whole topic interesting, but every time I would read an article, even a short one, if I didn't get too bored to finish, I'd instead have to look up like five different terms, only to have to look up like five more terms for each of those.  Learning Quantum Physics is like slaying a hydra.Cut one head off, two more grow in its place.But oh my god just kill me, listening to that guy explain it was fucking adorable.  I have such a crush.  He has a motorcycle too, of course.The rest of them though, just missed the mark.  The only guy I did not like at all was the guy with crazy eyes, both because he seemed like the controlling type who would end up murdering his Stepford wife but also because he ate way less than me.  I did not like him.The Texas guy today, man I was bummed about that one.  I didn't dislike him, but he made such a bad first impression.  Basically rolled out of bed and drove to the restaurant.  He was completely out of it for like the first half hour.  He was an interesting person - one of the first things he told me was that he had clinical depression.  Not even in an awkward way, though I imagine most people would have disagreed.  I don't think that mental health should be a taboo subject and his ability to state it so plainly really impressed me.He was actually very honest the entire meal, which was refreshing.  I wish I liked him.  Alas, those feelings were definitely not there.  Part of that was definitely the long hair.  I tried, I really did, but ick.Now I have drinks with the horseback rider tonight, drinks with a guy who grew up in Maine Wednesday, vague plans with a cute nerd on Friday, and tentatively something on Saturday with Quantum Physics.This is absolutely insane. 

We Found Love In A Hopeless Place (feat. Starbucks)

I glimpsed him through the window. Was it really him?I looked so cool in my square, purple sunglasses. I was in my typical “casual date” uniform of those dark jeans that make my ass look great, as if it needs any help, and that top I got at Ross, of all places, that emphasizes my boobs perfectly.It was him.Before my brain could compute: “You look different from your pictures.” Or something to that effect. “Not in a bad way.”Before I even said hi.  There’s no coming back from that.“You’re Ryan, right?” Ryan. Of course that’s his name.“Yes.” He smiles. So goofy.  He's got chompers.  I don't judge him.  I don't even have to stop myself. He laughs at every single thing I say. I know that I wanted a guy who laughed at my jokes, but every single thing. I can say anything. It’s amazing. Because a lot of things that I say are nonsensical half-thoughts akin to drivel.We talked about Doctor Who and he wooed me with Quantum Physics. I was concerned that I didn’t have anything to offer in comparison. Then I realized. I’m a pretty girl fascinated with a nerd talking about Quantum Physics.I’m all set. 


 For some reason I switched back and forth between tenses a lot in this piece; I've been known to do this since high school.  I tried writing it all in the present as well as past tense, yet neither created the tone that I wanted like the mixed tenses do.  I'm a grammatically incorrect rule breaker I guess.

Pretty Girls Make Graves

I'm relieved to report that Horrible Kissing Guy did not contact me again after our encounter.  I'm curious why he attempted to eat my face if he wasn't really into it, but maybe that's just some sort of goodbye ritual that I don't know about.  I'm not very familiar with the ways of dwarves, after all.I have to say, I'm glad that we were on the same page. I mean of course I am.  That makes life so much easier.  But I'm glad for a reason that is maybe a little less obvious.  All things considered, the date went well.  We made each other laugh.  I actually made him laugh way more than he made me, but who's counting?  The conversation was consistent.  I wasn't tempted to go to the bathroom and escape through the window.  It wouldn't have been unreasonable for either of us to request a second one.Despite all of this, somehow, neither of us were interested.  Just because I didn't feel a spark didn't guarantee that he was in the same boat, though. I can only imagine how often this is the case.  It's impossible to tell how someone else is feeling.  Sharing a decent date only makes the impossible even more difficult.What if I had been interested?  If this situation presented itself a year ago, I would be wondering why he never texted me.  After a few days of waiting, I would have texted him.  I would have told him how much fun it had been.  I would have said we should definitely do it again.  I'd try to resist the urge to text him again and again.

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I'd fail miserably at resisting that urge.I'd probably bug him for another date.  I'd want to see him again.  I'd suggest something maybe a little more interactive so we'd have more to talk about - or an excuse to talk less.  I'd create situations that would make the relationship more likely to succeed.  I'd ignore the fact that it clearly wasn't.I'm glad to report that's no longer the case.  Er, well, I think, anyway.  I haven't met anyone whom I like enough to test that theory and honestly, I don't know if I really want to.  I've gotten comfortable with my current life.  I've built a solid foundation.  I don't need anything else and I don't really want much more, either.  At least not when it comes to a relationship.  That concept is so foreign to me now.  It seems like it would be a major deviation from what I currently have, and I like what I have.  I don't think I'd want to change it.Unfortunately for me, I've made it my mission to understand the dating world.  I prefer to be actively uncomfortable trying new things rather than stuck in the old.  I'm not dating because I need or even want to be in a relationship.  I'm dating because for some reason, I've decided I want to write about it.  I can't write about a topic I know nothing about, and since I've never really done much dating, I have to put myself out there.I started with that app called Coffee Meets Bagel.  It was fine for a time but became unsatisfactory when I had momentarily convinced myself I was interested in seriously dating someone.  I moved my way up to Hinge, another dating app that is apparently similar to Tinder (which I will never, ever try), but again, found it unsatisfactory.  I mean WHAT is the point of getting matched with someone if you're not actually interested in talking to them?Fun side fact:  The hot roommate of the guy I had been dating, No Real Feelings Guy, came up on that app yesterday.  I swiped yes.  In order to get matched, he has to do the same.  Updates to follow.

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Now I'm on OkCupid.  I don't know how it happened.  It's all a blur.  It was really fun for the first few hours.  Like crazy fun.  If you ever need a quick confidence boost, online dating is really the way to go.It quickly became less fun.  Way less fun.  Now it feels like work.  Every time I get a new message, I'm momentarily excited, for like half a second, if that.  Then I'm filled with dread  There are so many people.  SO MANY PEOPLE.  And plenty of them seem really nice and actually read my profile and make a point to ask questions and create a conversation.  And so many of them I'm just not interested in.  Because I'm being shallow.  I don't even care anymore.  I want to be considerate and give everyone a chance but it's just not going to happen.  Once upon a time I thought that I didn't have a type, but I do.  I have lots of types, actually.  But I'm not attracted to everyone, and if I'm not attracted to a guy, it's not going to happen.  I feel bad about it every time and occasionally will even reply with a rejection, but still.It's difficult to not give everyone a chance.  I don't want to be that superficial person who puts so much stock in personal appearance.  I don't want to be unreasonably picky, despite knowing there's nothing wrong with having high standards.  I think that physical attraction is an important part of dating someone.   I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that thinking, either.I mean it's not like I see a guy I'm not attracted to and immediately assume he's awful  has no value to the world.  Come on.  Further, I know there's a chance I could become attracted to someone based on the way that that they carry themselves, but in this case, that's an unrealistic expectation.  I'm not going to plan a date with someone with the hopes that I'll find them attractive once I get to know them.  I simply don't have the time.  Plus there are so many other guys out there, it's really not necessary.  I used to have that "make it work" mindset, which, need I remind you, did not work so well.The great thing about online dating is that it gives you an idea of just how many people out there you're compatible with.  I know that it still has a stigma, but so far I've found it incredibly helpful for that one specific reason.  Having an online dating profile makes it painfully obvious that there's absolutely no reason to settle for less.  No, most of these interactions won't progress beyond chatting through the app on my phone.  But these guys are nice.  They're attractive.  They're interesting and they're interested.I actually have a date later today.  With a ridiculously adorable Israeli.  At the most awkward time ever.  Late afternoon, early evening.  It's too late for coffee if I want to sleep tonight, but too early for dinner or drinks.Oh who am I kidding?  I plan my life around food and it's not like I haven't had a beer at a far more unreasonable hour.The worst part is that I'm actually really excited.

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Thus With A Kiss I Die

I'm over this whole dating thing.  I gave it a shot.  It was kind of fun.  Kind of.  By "kind of" I mean people paid for my food.  And drinks.  And I like free things.But it's just so inconsistent!  Like, you meet someone, you hit it off, and you decide to arrange a meeting in a slightly romantic setting to see if the two of you share some romantic element or something.  And you're sitting there wondering if this is just the first of many first dates or if this will actually turn into something.  Or maybe there will be a few more dates before it turns into nothing.  And you wonder how many times you'll have to go through this weirdness before you find someone who you actually like enough to love.  But the problem is that they have to be on the same level of liking, which is not as easy as it sounds.Then the guy who has caused you to wonder all of these things is short, and not like kind of short.  Like my height short.  But you reason that you can work with that, because you're trying not to be such a shallow asshole with unreasonably high standards.  And you get along with this guy pretty well, all things considered.  Well enough that you wonder if there will be a second date, but not well enough for you to really want a second date.Then he's walking you back to your car because the date went well enough that you want to spend a little extra time together but didn't actually plan anything to do and you're not in an area that you really want to spend time walking around and the whole time you're wondering what's going to happen with that end of the date kiss because it went well but not really THAT well.And then he kisses you AND IT'S HORRIBLE.

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I don't understand how a person can be 26 and still bad at kissing.  I just don't.NOT TO MENTION the guy who dumped me just a week ago decided to TEXT ME last night before this date.How do they always know?  THEY ALWAYS KNOW.  You start moving on and their Spidey sense starts tingling and they think "hey, Zoe has a date tonight.  I should probably text her before it.  That'll really fuck with her."There must be an app for that, one that only guys know about.  The government is probably involved.He asked about my Halloween costume.  I mean it wasn't a totally stupid question; he was genuinely curious.  But he didn't have to ask.  His life would not be lacking had he not.  But he did.  Being the really nice person that I am, I told him and, being confused about what the fuck was going on, asked about his.Then he wanted to know what I've been up to.  As if my life is so exciting that I would have breaking news in the week since we last talked.  I considered sending something like  "well, I haven't slit my wrists since you dumped me, in case you were worried about that," but I felt that may be a bit too sarcastic for the situation at hand, the situation being he wants to be friends.

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I mean that's what I assume anyway.  I, however, am not so sure I want to be part of a Kumbaya singalong session with him just yet.Or ever.Sure, I dated him for a reason, and logically that means we would make good friends as well.  I wouldn't date someone that I couldn't also be friends with.  That doesn't seem very sensible.  But that doesn't mean I want to be friends with him now that the whole romance part didn't work out.  I already have friends.  I'm not so sure his friendship would provide me with anything I don't already have.Then again, maybe he doesn't want to be friends.  Maybe he's realized that he made a huge mistake and wants me back.  Let's be real, THAT'S what I really want to hear.  Not because I want him back, but because of course he made a mistake and of course he wants me back.  Because I'm great.Yeah, that's not the reason.  I decided to continue being nice and pursue the conversation.  He just curious about what I've been up to.  I was so tempted to be all bitchy and snarky and tell him GUESS WHAT, when you decide to end things with another person that means you don't get to know what's going on in their life!  So next time curiosity takes hold, get a good death grip around its neck and choke it back.  Kill it with fire if you must.Just leave me alone.But I didn't.  Because I'm not really bitter.  He was being nice and I wanted to be nice back.  See, I'm capable of not being a total rage monster when a break up occurs.  You have to be quite the special piece of shit to induce that sort of passion.  For once, all parties involved were decent human beings.  And not gonna lie, even though there wasn't this huge "I want you back" reveal, he was curious about my life.  And that's some sort of satisfaction.  I may not be dateable, but I'm still awesome.  He was pretty okay, too. I think it's worth at least attempting to be friends.Plus he has a really cute roommate who is totally my type.

michelle tanner you've got to be kidding full house

Not that it matters, because I'm never dating again.

Like All The Boys Before

I caught Feelings.Yes, you read that right.  Feelings are something that you catch, like polio.  Unfortunately no one has come up with a vaccine yet.  They're in the air and spread their germiness around if you aren't careful.  I think Carey was the one who coined that term, as far as I'm concerned, anyway, but she fell down that rabbit hole months ago.  I've been fending for myself since the summer.  But even I was no match for Feelings.  I met a guy and he was pretty great.

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Yeah, he totally dumped me yesterday.  Well, dumped implies that we were together, and we weren't officially, but whatever.  We were together.  And I got dumped.  It's actually the nicest break up that I've had, even though it barely counts.  He was supposed to meet my friends yesterday and instead, when he came over, he said he wasn't "interested" in pursuing anything more.But he did bring the hot dogs that I asked him to pick up."Interested."  When I told my mom he said that, she literally didn't even know what it meant.  Because it's so stupid.  But I guess it's a thing now, that people say.  Interesting.  I mean what are the other options?"I'm not into it anymore.""I don't want to see you anymore.""This isn't working for me.""I'm dumping you."The more I over analyze it, the less sense it makes.  It actually makes me kind of angry.  Not the word usage, just the fact that it happened.  Like hey, only a few days ago we had agreed not to see other people.  You'd think that he would have realized he didn't have feelings for me BEFORE that conversation, right?  Because that was part of his explanation.  He realized he doesn't have feelings for me.  Totally legit.  Only took him two months, many great dates, and several makeout sessions to realize.

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Whatever.  He did it in person and was very polite about it.  I was honestly on the fence about the relationship the whole time, but I chalked that up to past experience affecting my present.  We were taking it slowly and I was a-ok with that.  But let's be real.  I liked him and he did not like me.  And I'm tempted to get really defensive and insult him and discredit the feelings that I had in order to downplay the whole thing.Except I don't need to do either of those things.  My ego is bruised and it seemed to come out of nowhere, but that's it .  There were a lot of things that I really did like about him, but I think I was lying to myself a little.  I wanted to like him more than I did.  I was settling.  I'm glad he ended things, because I know I wouldn't have.  I didn't trust myself.  I wasn't sure how I felt; my feelings were running hot and cold.  Looking back, that's kind of an obvious indicator.

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There was so much that was right, it didn't seem like it could be wrong.  I did have feelings for him, but that feeling was missing.  You know.  That feeling.  I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring that.  I'm glad he didn't.Regardless, I was pretty bummed yesterday.  I didn't think I was at first; it was like I went into some sort of instinctual protection mode.   He walked in, said "I need to talk to you," blah blah blah, the rest is history.  And I was just like oh, ok, thanks for a good time, see you never, bye forever.  No big deal, it's cool, whatever.  I think I even tricked myself into believing that for like a whole second.When the immediate threat was gone, the crying happened.  It's understandable to be upset, but to cry?  Yeesh.  I liked him, but I didn't like him that much.  I was definitely taken aback by my body's reaction, but it's good to let that built-up energy out. It's like a more evolved fight or flight thing.  I was faced with an unexpected high-intensity situation.  It wasn't life or death or anything of the sort, but my body's defenses went up.  I had an immediate physical reaction.There are two choices we all face when something like this happens.  Either letting ourselves channel that energy to rid ourselves of it, or to ignore it and bury it deep down.  Emotions may be mental, but they are also very much physical.  They're called feelings for a reason.  The reason is because you physically feel them, in case that wasn't clear.  They don't just go away if you ignore them.  They get cast to a far corner of your body.  They cause your back to ache.  They prevent you from sleeping well.  They sit in the pit of your stomach.  The more they get buried and ignored, the more they build.So I chose to be honest with myself.  I didn't brush anything aside.  I felt upset, so I let myself be upset.  And it lasted approximately five minutes.  I went to my friend's party, talked to a bunch of people, and got a bunch of hugs and sympathetic ears.Tears and hugs.  The perfect formula for feeling better.AND ON TO THE NEXT.

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Compromise: Lowering My Standards So You Can Meet Them

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Karma.  What goes around comes around.  Summer and winter, fire and water.  Yin and yang.Blah and blah and blah some more.In the past, I have not had particularly high standards for the guys that I have dated.  I had this idea of what I wanted but I pursued it with people who I wasn't right for and who weren't right for me.  This may sound like a fairly typical thing for people to do, but I go about it a bit differently.  These people who aren't suited for me are, in my opinion, pretty obviously so.  If I were a sane human being, these are things I would have noticed (and done something about) after a month or two.Ah, but I am me, and thus... well... you know.I like to give people chances to prove themselves, chances far beyond what's reasonable.  I'm great at overlooking the negative in favor of the positive.  Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't.  It's when the negative shouldn't be overlooked that I get myself in trouble.  I haven't been great at distinguishing what's an acceptable flaw and what isn't.We all have them.  Flaws, I mean.  If this is something you have not yet realized...

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I recently went on a few dates with one guy.  By the third date there were little things that were already starting to drive me crazy.  I could already see our future together and in consisted of me being constantly annoyed by him.  My first reaction was to try to see past it and to focus on all the things I liked about this guy.  We had a lot in common and conversed pretty easily.Yeah well, those are the worst.  Reasons.  Ever.  Do you know how many people are out there who I could say the same about?  You probably don't and it's because THERE ARE SO MANY.  That's like, the most basic criteria for a relationship ever.Ever.I really do not have to give every single person I meet a chance.  There are SO many potential suitors out there.  Why in the world would I settle just because we like the same books?  Like seriously.  Having things in common is definitely a plus but is NOT the be all, end all of a relationship.  Not by far.And there I was, considering trying to change who I am in order to accommodate this guy who was more or less still a stranger, who had given me absolutely no reason to do so.  Like what is that?  Why in the world would I do that?Given my history, this isn't surprising in the slightest, but if I don't learn from my history then I am doomed to repeat it and that is something I don't particularly want to do at all, thanks.

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Nope.

I mean it's really not difficult for my standards to be higher than they previously were, but apparently I am now too picky, according to Carey.  And she hears about every god damn detail of my meager dating life, soo...I really don't think that's true, but even if it is, it's still better than my former approach, so I don't really mind.  I'm not aggressively pursuing anything serious right now anyway, so why would I bother with guys who I'm not attracted to or don't really interest me?  Why should I waste my time on date after date, hoping that things will improve, when I wasn't that interested in the first place?After several failed attempts in the whole boyfriend department, I've learned what definitely doesn't work for me and I've learned to respect certain aspects of myself that just aren't going to change.  Unfortunately, those are aspects that I don't exactly like, but try as I might, I'm unable to change, and I think that's ok.  There was a time when I felt like I needed to improve everything about myself, and while I'm all for acknowledging weaknesses and addressing them, not everything that's "wrong" is a weakness.So I'm easily irritated.  It's probably just a reflection of the sort of mood I'm in, and if I'm in a mood, the best thing for me to do is just be by myself.  I like being alone, so this really isn't a problem.  So if I need to be alone, I just go be alone.I'm sensing a theme here, actually, with this whole "alone" thing.  I just don't have time for any of you plebeians.  I can't be bothered.It's possible that I've used this one before, but come on.Eh, really though.  My time is valuable.  It's valuable to me.  I see nothing productive coming from investing much of it to giving everyone I meet two or three or ten chances.  I already tried that.  It didn't work too well.  If it were my dream to befriend every living human on this planet, then I would be all about that. As it is, I find most people to be terrible and I don’t really want to meet them at all.  Maybe that's horrible and self-absorbed of me.  I don't care.  I'm trying something new.  I've gone from one end of the spectrum to the very other and it's actually working out pretty well so far.Go fucking figure.So rather than changing these parts of myself, these parts that cause me some problems, I'm just learning how to live with them in a constructive way.  Because when I'm annoyed and need to be alone, I usually end up writing.  Sounds like a win-win all around.

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Super.I've kind of got an idea of who I am and what I want.  I expect a lot from myself and as such, I hold other people to the same standard.  I want to surround myself with exceptional people and won't settle for anything less.  So haters to the left, k?

Wanna Take A Nap On My Shoulder?

First things first, if you are not privy to the inside joke that is the title of this post, I'm sorry.  It's a good one.Anyway.I’m trying online dating. I feel like this is necessary because I’ve started writing about dating and at this point in our technological lives it’s kind of a must. Not a must like everyone has to do it, a must like if I’m like dating and experiencing it and writing about it, online dating is totally part of “it.”I’m using one app and one app only: Coffee Meets Bagel. I may be trying this but I am putting in MINIMAL effort.

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So far it hasn't been so bad, but "so far" consists of less than a week and no actual, real live dates.I am in no hurry to date every guy in LA or really anyone for that matter. It just doesn’t jive with the groove I have going, you know? At this point I’m simply not interested in pursuing the type of relationships that I’ve had before. Oh, you know, the unhealthy co-dependent sort.  The ones that smother like flannel sheets in July.  They didn’t suit me to begin with and they most definitely do not suit me now.As for flannel sheets in July, those don't suit anyone, ever.Ever.So I mean, like, if you want to hang out once or twice a week and have all those relationship-y benefits, that's cool.  I've finally come to the conclusion that that's what a healthy relationship actually is, at least for me.  Ish.  Like let's not be in contact 24/7 and do every single thing together.  I don't want people to assume that if I'm going to be somewhere that I'll be bringing this other person with me.  Like an extra fucking limb or something.  No.  Those limbs always end up being diseased and need to be cut off and it just does not end well.  All the little addendums that you're born with like arms and a head and stuff are the only ones you're meant to have.*  The rest is separate, dammit.Whatever happens, happens. I have far more pressing things to concern myself with. Like how short this post is.

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* Weird-ass extenuating circumstances aside.  Like Siamese twins.  I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.

You Are Lovely and You Are Loved

The following is a letter to one of my dearest, most darling friends.Dearest Friend,I love you.  Fate and a mutual pal brought us together and I'm so thankful for that.  I had my reservations at first, you being a stranger and all, not to mention the stories that I'd heard of your shenanigans.  I needed someone to live with and so did you.  You came highly recommended though.  What was the worst that could possibly happen?That was one hell of a year.You brought me out of my shell.  You were so kind and open when I was very alone.  You included me.  You respected me.  You were one of the few good things in my life that first year that we knew each other.  It was during that year that you became someone who will be important to me forever.  I don't think I've ever told you how much I appreciated your friendship during that time, but I did.  I still do.You have such good stories and I'm so glad to be part of them.  Well, some of them, because girl, you have quite a few.  It's because of you that I discovered that I have the ability to create my own.  To live them.  Maybe not as wild as yours, but you sure did love trouble (your words, not mine).  Life was crazy and you were wonderfully fun and young.Let me remind you: you still are.You are still wonderful and life is still crazy.  It always will be.  There's never any rest.  You are an incredible human being and you have survived far worse.  I know that you know this, but I felt like reminding you.  You have an amazing support system of people who love you.  You're an amazing friend, one of the few that I'm lucky to call my best.There is this spark in you that draws others to you like moths to a flame.  I recognize you as a kindred spirit in that way.  But you burn far brighter than many realize.  Too often, you're somehow the one who ends up burned.  It's so unfair that someone so bright and fantastic has such misfortune, but I suppose that's the way it goes.  You set the bar so high just because of who you are.  Few can measure up.You will be ok.  I know you know that, but it's always good to hear anyway, don't you think?  Don't let anyone stifle your flame.  Don't settle.  I think that's one of the hardest things in life, especially for people who shine as brightly as you.  It's difficult, but you're better than that.  You are not alone.  You will never be alone.You are lovely and you are loved.  Always.Love,Me 

Why Are You So Obsessed With Me?

Let's just say that hypothetically one has a date tonight.  Hypothetically one does not remember what their date looks like.  This hypothetical date cannot be located on Facebook, despite one's elite stalking skills.

Hypothetically, what does one do?

UGH.

I mean I know it will be fine.  Somehow we'll manage to find each other.  And I'm sure it's going to be a lot of fun because I really enjoy arranging set times to engage in direct eye contact for hours in a row while making conversation with a complete stranger.

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Oh wait.

I'm a bit particular, to say the least.  If my immense propensity for fangirling doesn't scare people away, my "Ask Me About My Feminism" tee shirt will.

I actually don't own one of those shirts, but I should.  Do those exist?  It would surely cut in half the amount of time I have to bother talking to unworthy people.  Will someone buy it for me?  I already spent my next couple of month's shopping money on the dress that got me into this mess in the first place.

puppies

Yes.  That is a dress.  Covered in puppies.  And some flowers.  But mostly puppies.  

Puppies.

This dress is the reason why I have not one but TWO dates this week.  With two different guys.  Who are actually real.  I'm pretty sure.  Come to think of it, the one I'm seeing tonight can't be located on Facebook (hypothetical situation was not hypothetical, in case you didn't catch that) so he might actually be a figment of my imagination.

I'm not discounting that possibility, k?

So there I was, having a conversation about feminism with one guy (I shit you not) and I was about to leave, so he asked for my number.  And I was like "you were just enjoying a conversation with me about something that sends most guys running" so I was like YOU BETCHA PAL.

Then I literally turned around and another guy asked for my number.

I don't mean to brag or anything, except just kidding I really do, because WHAT.

I am generally an enjoyable person but I am really not so enjoyable that I can't even turn around without someone asking for my number.  What you might be thinking if you are you and are definitely thinking if you are my parents is "no, I'm sure he asked you out because of your glowing personality."  I mean yes, that is an obviously logical conclusion to come to, but no.  In this case it was definitely the dress.  Definitely.  If the multiple compliments by tonight's suitor directed specifically toward my dress are any indication, credit goes to the puppies.

Ok, ok, puppies may have multiple meanings in that context.  FINE.

It may also have something to do with the cake that I shared with him, euphemism not included.  What a bonding experience that was!

Really though, puppies.  That was the point, after all.  Literally literally.  One does not just buy a boob-baring dress covered in dogs and flowers without wanting attention.  "I'll get so many compliments" was part of my actual thought process when deciding whether or not to buy.  Anything beyond that is a happy accident.  Happy?  Potentially disastrous.  We'll see.

The moral of the story is this: If I buy expensive things, they will earn their keep by getting me free dinners and if I really play my cards right, some nice jewelry too.

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WHAT UUPPPP.