There Were Two in the Bed and the Little One Said Get the Fuck Out

For all my talk about dating and being in a relationship, I wonder if I actually even want to be in one at all. I like the idea in theory, but I'm so out of practice, I could be wrong. I mean I have a routine. It's my way or the highway and if you choose the highway I'll run you over with my car. I like the way things are now. If I brought someone else in then I'd probably have to accommodate them and I don't want to do that.But more importantly, I do not like sharing the bed. I move around a lot and like to sprawl, probably because I overheat easily.If I can't even share a bed, how can I share my life??

new girl i sing to myself

I haven't even lived in the same place for more than a year since I turned 18 seven years ago. Different dorms, different universities, different apartments. Everything was in a constant state of flux, but I think I wouldn't have minded staying in the same place for a couple of years. The only problem was the roommate situation.There is nothing inherently good about living with someone else. Best case scenario is that they have nice stuff they'll share with you. Unless of course YOU are the one sharing and THEY are taking. And taking. Andtakingandtakingandtaking and never giving back.But that's not even so bad. The worst thing about living with someone else is that they're around whenever they want. Even if you don't want. And I rarely want. The longest I've lived with another person is two years. It only happened once, against my better judgment, and it was awful.The only person I can count on is my cat.

But even our relationship is precarious at best. Like when she's meowing at me to pet her and love her but I'm trying to focus on finishing my large cheese pizza. But it's also pretty annoying when she shits on my carpet and pees on my bed.

Ok I mean that bed peeing thing only happened the first couple of months that I got her. But I was ready to turn her out on the streets. Honestly, one of the reasons why I got her instead of a kitten is because she's old and I know she'll die in a reasonable amount of time. Like 5 years tops.

How people my age are already reproducing ON PURPOSE is beyond me.AND THEN, just when I think I have it all figured out, some unreasonably hot guy strikes up a conversation with me at the grocery store as the sweat from my workout is drying and a new sweat mustache is forming. I'd forgotten a bobby pin so my bangs are all askew and I'm wearing my glasses, my makeup basically all melted off at that point.I basically looked like a monster.For some reason he asked for my number and then actually used it.I don't know. I don't get it. I give up.

At Least My Cat Loves Me

I haven't been writing much lately and it's because all things considered, my life is going well right now. Great new job, riding horses, volunteering, graduate school, friends, and no one in my family is recently dead or anything like that. But why focus on the positive when I can focus on the negative? The negative being that after a year and a half of being single and all alone, I am still single and ALL ALONE. Besides my parents and my friends and my siblings. Whatever. None of them fill that penis shaped hole inside of me.But the real reason I haven't been writing is because my parents are reading this and it's their job to ruin my life. My mom gave me some "advice" like 6 months ago that still (!!!!) haunts me.No sex before monogamy.Sorry mom, but seriously, it's not the 40s anymore and what do you know? You got that advice from a reality show.So anyway, I was just feeling bummed every which way about the fact that there's something about me that just makes me completely unlovable to attractive, well-adjusted straight men. For a while I was trying to figure it out, like hey, I know I'm not perfect and it's completely reasonable that there might be something I might need to change. So I ran through the list of things that are maybe just "too much" for other people.

  • Too smart
  • Too pretty
  • Boobs are too big
  • Too good in bed
  • Too funny
  • Too personable
  • Too endearingly awkward
  • Too driven
  • Too good with animals
  • Too many positive qualities
  • Too crazy

WHAT OH WHAT COULD IT BE? Oh right, it's that last one. I don't like to use the word crazy when referring to women though, so instead I'll say I'm emotionally spastic instead.

kim k all alone

But like, if you're gonna date a girl, I'm pretty sure that's a given, and considering all my other qualities, I'm really the best deal you're going to get. Yet somehow I'm STILL ALONE while there are great guys dating awful girls. I mean like controlling, condescending, rude, manipulative, mean girls. And here I am, all aloney on my owny, sitting on my bed of spinsterhood with my cat next to me.Even she runs away when I try to cuddle with her.I mean so what if I expect a date to be planned an entire day ahead of time? Or if I only text a guy that I'm casually seeing every few days? I know it's a bit much to start to have feelings for someone after a single date, but what can I say...I'm just completely un-fucking-reasonable.But hey, being an crazy spinster has its perks. I can eat all the S'mores Oreos and cake and ice cream I want and never have to worry about looking good naked. And then I can use my empty ice cream pints to cry my lonely cat lady tears into.