Like All The Boys Before

I caught Feelings.Yes, you read that right.  Feelings are something that you catch, like polio.  Unfortunately no one has come up with a vaccine yet.  They're in the air and spread their germiness around if you aren't careful.  I think Carey was the one who coined that term, as far as I'm concerned, anyway, but she fell down that rabbit hole months ago.  I've been fending for myself since the summer.  But even I was no match for Feelings.  I met a guy and he was pretty great.

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Yeah, he totally dumped me yesterday.  Well, dumped implies that we were together, and we weren't officially, but whatever.  We were together.  And I got dumped.  It's actually the nicest break up that I've had, even though it barely counts.  He was supposed to meet my friends yesterday and instead, when he came over, he said he wasn't "interested" in pursuing anything more.But he did bring the hot dogs that I asked him to pick up."Interested."  When I told my mom he said that, she literally didn't even know what it meant.  Because it's so stupid.  But I guess it's a thing now, that people say.  Interesting.  I mean what are the other options?"I'm not into it anymore.""I don't want to see you anymore.""This isn't working for me.""I'm dumping you."The more I over analyze it, the less sense it makes.  It actually makes me kind of angry.  Not the word usage, just the fact that it happened.  Like hey, only a few days ago we had agreed not to see other people.  You'd think that he would have realized he didn't have feelings for me BEFORE that conversation, right?  Because that was part of his explanation.  He realized he doesn't have feelings for me.  Totally legit.  Only took him two months, many great dates, and several makeout sessions to realize.

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Whatever.  He did it in person and was very polite about it.  I was honestly on the fence about the relationship the whole time, but I chalked that up to past experience affecting my present.  We were taking it slowly and I was a-ok with that.  But let's be real.  I liked him and he did not like me.  And I'm tempted to get really defensive and insult him and discredit the feelings that I had in order to downplay the whole thing.Except I don't need to do either of those things.  My ego is bruised and it seemed to come out of nowhere, but that's it .  There were a lot of things that I really did like about him, but I think I was lying to myself a little.  I wanted to like him more than I did.  I was settling.  I'm glad he ended things, because I know I wouldn't have.  I didn't trust myself.  I wasn't sure how I felt; my feelings were running hot and cold.  Looking back, that's kind of an obvious indicator.

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There was so much that was right, it didn't seem like it could be wrong.  I did have feelings for him, but that feeling was missing.  You know.  That feeling.  I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring that.  I'm glad he didn't.Regardless, I was pretty bummed yesterday.  I didn't think I was at first; it was like I went into some sort of instinctual protection mode.   He walked in, said "I need to talk to you," blah blah blah, the rest is history.  And I was just like oh, ok, thanks for a good time, see you never, bye forever.  No big deal, it's cool, whatever.  I think I even tricked myself into believing that for like a whole second.When the immediate threat was gone, the crying happened.  It's understandable to be upset, but to cry?  Yeesh.  I liked him, but I didn't like him that much.  I was definitely taken aback by my body's reaction, but it's good to let that built-up energy out. It's like a more evolved fight or flight thing.  I was faced with an unexpected high-intensity situation.  It wasn't life or death or anything of the sort, but my body's defenses went up.  I had an immediate physical reaction.There are two choices we all face when something like this happens.  Either letting ourselves channel that energy to rid ourselves of it, or to ignore it and bury it deep down.  Emotions may be mental, but they are also very much physical.  They're called feelings for a reason.  The reason is because you physically feel them, in case that wasn't clear.  They don't just go away if you ignore them.  They get cast to a far corner of your body.  They cause your back to ache.  They prevent you from sleeping well.  They sit in the pit of your stomach.  The more they get buried and ignored, the more they build.So I chose to be honest with myself.  I didn't brush anything aside.  I felt upset, so I let myself be upset.  And it lasted approximately five minutes.  I went to my friend's party, talked to a bunch of people, and got a bunch of hugs and sympathetic ears.Tears and hugs.  The perfect formula for feeling better.AND ON TO THE NEXT.

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