At Least My Cat Loves Me

I haven't been writing much lately and it's because all things considered, my life is going well right now. Great new job, riding horses, volunteering, graduate school, friends, and no one in my family is recently dead or anything like that. But why focus on the positive when I can focus on the negative? The negative being that after a year and a half of being single and all alone, I am still single and ALL ALONE. Besides my parents and my friends and my siblings. Whatever. None of them fill that penis shaped hole inside of me.But the real reason I haven't been writing is because my parents are reading this and it's their job to ruin my life. My mom gave me some "advice" like 6 months ago that still (!!!!) haunts me.No sex before monogamy.Sorry mom, but seriously, it's not the 40s anymore and what do you know? You got that advice from a reality show.So anyway, I was just feeling bummed every which way about the fact that there's something about me that just makes me completely unlovable to attractive, well-adjusted straight men. For a while I was trying to figure it out, like hey, I know I'm not perfect and it's completely reasonable that there might be something I might need to change. So I ran through the list of things that are maybe just "too much" for other people.

  • Too smart
  • Too pretty
  • Boobs are too big
  • Too good in bed
  • Too funny
  • Too personable
  • Too endearingly awkward
  • Too driven
  • Too good with animals
  • Too many positive qualities
  • Too crazy

WHAT OH WHAT COULD IT BE? Oh right, it's that last one. I don't like to use the word crazy when referring to women though, so instead I'll say I'm emotionally spastic instead.

kim k all alone

But like, if you're gonna date a girl, I'm pretty sure that's a given, and considering all my other qualities, I'm really the best deal you're going to get. Yet somehow I'm STILL ALONE while there are great guys dating awful girls. I mean like controlling, condescending, rude, manipulative, mean girls. And here I am, all aloney on my owny, sitting on my bed of spinsterhood with my cat next to me.Even she runs away when I try to cuddle with her.I mean so what if I expect a date to be planned an entire day ahead of time? Or if I only text a guy that I'm casually seeing every few days? I know it's a bit much to start to have feelings for someone after a single date, but what can I say...I'm just completely un-fucking-reasonable.But hey, being an crazy spinster has its perks. I can eat all the S'mores Oreos and cake and ice cream I want and never have to worry about looking good naked. And then I can use my empty ice cream pints to cry my lonely cat lady tears into.

Wanna Take A Nap On My Shoulder?

First things first, if you are not privy to the inside joke that is the title of this post, I'm sorry.  It's a good one.Anyway.I’m trying online dating. I feel like this is necessary because I’ve started writing about dating and at this point in our technological lives it’s kind of a must. Not a must like everyone has to do it, a must like if I’m like dating and experiencing it and writing about it, online dating is totally part of “it.”I’m using one app and one app only: Coffee Meets Bagel. I may be trying this but I am putting in MINIMAL effort.

leslie knope cargo pants gif

So far it hasn't been so bad, but "so far" consists of less than a week and no actual, real live dates.I am in no hurry to date every guy in LA or really anyone for that matter. It just doesn’t jive with the groove I have going, you know? At this point I’m simply not interested in pursuing the type of relationships that I’ve had before. Oh, you know, the unhealthy co-dependent sort.  The ones that smother like flannel sheets in July.  They didn’t suit me to begin with and they most definitely do not suit me now.As for flannel sheets in July, those don't suit anyone, ever.Ever.So I mean, like, if you want to hang out once or twice a week and have all those relationship-y benefits, that's cool.  I've finally come to the conclusion that that's what a healthy relationship actually is, at least for me.  Ish.  Like let's not be in contact 24/7 and do every single thing together.  I don't want people to assume that if I'm going to be somewhere that I'll be bringing this other person with me.  Like an extra fucking limb or something.  No.  Those limbs always end up being diseased and need to be cut off and it just does not end well.  All the little addendums that you're born with like arms and a head and stuff are the only ones you're meant to have.*  The rest is separate, dammit.Whatever happens, happens. I have far more pressing things to concern myself with. Like how short this post is.

rashida jones the office shrug gif

* Weird-ass extenuating circumstances aside.  Like Siamese twins.  I'm not a doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure that's not supposed to happen.

Like Crazy

Picture:Joshua and I are at the beach, standing in the bed of his truck.  The wind is whipping and I’m cold.  He’s standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me.  We watch the sunset on the horizon.We’re driving down the back roads.  He’s blasting music he recorded with his band years ago.  We make it back home and park.  We finish our conversation.  It leads to another.  Before we know it, another hour has gone by.It’s late fall.  We’ve gone away for the weekend, to a ski town that he loves.  It’s a nice day.  We explore.  I fall in love with a bracelet.  He buys it for me so we never forget.He was so unaware of the romance in the things we did together.  I loved it all.  Who knows, though; maybe it wasn’t all that romantic.  Maybe it felt so special to me because really, I just loved doing anything as long as I was with him.

I Fell Off My Pink Cloud With A Thud

*First of all, let me clarify that some names have been changed.  If you know what happened, you know who I’m talking about, and if you don’t, then it doesn’t matter anyway.Cal was home visiting his parents when I got back.  I called him, intending on being honest and telling him that I had gone to dinner with Joshua.  Yeah, I wanted to end things, but  I was going to wait until I was with him in person.  As much of an asshole he'd been when I tried it the first time, I still thought he deserved that much.I called him up, and before I knew it, I was breaking up with him.  I just didn’t care.  I’d just had dinner with a guy I’d been interested in for a month.  At this point he must have known it was coming.  Why bother putting off the inevitable?It was shitty of me to do over the phone, I'll admit that.  But I still don't feel bad.I don’t remember how the conversation went.  It mainly consisted of him being a jerk and me holding the phone away from my ear.  I’d already been verbally assaulted by him once.  No need to go through it again.I got the general gist though, and it still sucked.When that was over, I texted Josh.  He felt bad about it, so we talked via Skype for a while.  Just like earlier, we couldn’t manage to actually leave each other.We fell asleep together.  Skyping.It does kind of have that creepy Twilight-y “I’m watching you sleep” vibe.  But we didn't want to leave each other, and it was sweet.The next few weeks were like lightning.  When I wasn’t in class and he wasn’t working, we were inseparable.We spent a lot of time with his family.  I loved how close he was with his sister.  I met his dad, who had a big ol’ grin because Josh had found someone who made him smile.I guess he hadn’t been doing much of that lately.We spent hours upon hours driving around in that truck of his.  He just kept talking.  I loved hearing about his life.  So much.  He just loved having me around.  He told me about his parents, his grandparents, how he grew up, his youthful indiscretions.  On and on and on.Most of all, he told me about all the adventures he used to have.  That was something about him that had enticed me the most – the promise of adventure.  He hadn’t had any in a while though.  Not since he got married.  That was when the adventures stopped.  Things changed.  That made me sad.  I think it made him sad, too.Now he was excited again.  He absolutely lit up when he was happy.  He tried convincing me to officially be his girlfriend; I wanted to wait just a little bit.  I was worried what people would think.Looking back, the idea of that is bitterly funny.  I was worried about what people would think, as if they weren't already gossiping about what had happened.  I had just dumped my boyfriend had immediately started seeing a new guy, who was ten years older than me and also divorced.  It just screamed scandalMaking it official on Facebook was really the least of it.Less than two weeks into it, he told me he loved me.  He said he thought it was more than anyone he’d loved before.Up until that point, I’d avoided saying it again.  I was already feeling crazy enough as it was.  After that, though, all bets were off.It was the chemistry, the infatuation, the inexplicable magnetic pull we had for each other.  We were obsessed.  We spent every day together, and on the rare days that we couldn’t, we would continue talking for hours on Skype and fall asleep together.Soon he was talking about how we would move in together.  I liked the idea, but come on.  We’d barely started dating.  My lease was up in September though, so I was seriously considering it.  We already couldn’t get enough of each other.  Why not?He loved being around me, and I loved learning about him.  Exhilarating is the only way to describe it.  It was a whirlwind romance.It was also obsessive and it was unhealthy.  Neither of us could eat for weeks.  All we wanted to do was be together.  In the end, that ruined it.Yeah, sure, I know that I come off as an intense, clingy girlfriend.  I definitely was.  But he was a crazy, clingy boyfriend.  These feelings were very much reciprocated, until suddenly they weren’t.  I didn’t understand, and rather than back off and give him space, I pushed.  He pulled.  He obviously felt bad, but couldn’t articulate what was going on.  I don’t know what had clicked in his brain, and I’m not sure he did, either.As quickly as it began, it ended.It totally sucked, and I was miserable.  Luckily I had started a new job which was keeping me busy.  I cried in my car once, which was terrible and cliché.Crying is for wimps.It was the first time I’d been dumped, which sucks in itself.  It was also unexpected, by someone I was completely infatuated with.  Seriously, seriously sucky.Oh, he also did it in a text, the day before my birthday.At least it wasn’t on my birthday, right?Right?Honestly though, I don’t hold it against him.  I know him, and I get it.  Simple as that.Unfortunately, I “got it” at the time, too.  I should have been mad at him, but instead I was empathetic and understanding.  It's why I was miserable for so long.  I knew he was going through a rough time, and I cared about him and wanted to be there for him.Note to self: when someone DUMPS YOU, they don’t want you to be there for them.No shit Sherlock.