There Were Two in the Bed and the Little One Said Get the Fuck Out

For all my talk about dating and being in a relationship, I wonder if I actually even want to be in one at all. I like the idea in theory, but I'm so out of practice, I could be wrong. I mean I have a routine. It's my way or the highway and if you choose the highway I'll run you over with my car. I like the way things are now. If I brought someone else in then I'd probably have to accommodate them and I don't want to do that.But more importantly, I do not like sharing the bed. I move around a lot and like to sprawl, probably because I overheat easily.If I can't even share a bed, how can I share my life??

new girl i sing to myself

I haven't even lived in the same place for more than a year since I turned 18 seven years ago. Different dorms, different universities, different apartments. Everything was in a constant state of flux, but I think I wouldn't have minded staying in the same place for a couple of years. The only problem was the roommate situation.There is nothing inherently good about living with someone else. Best case scenario is that they have nice stuff they'll share with you. Unless of course YOU are the one sharing and THEY are taking. And taking. Andtakingandtakingandtaking and never giving back.But that's not even so bad. The worst thing about living with someone else is that they're around whenever they want. Even if you don't want. And I rarely want. The longest I've lived with another person is two years. It only happened once, against my better judgment, and it was awful.The only person I can count on is my cat.

But even our relationship is precarious at best. Like when she's meowing at me to pet her and love her but I'm trying to focus on finishing my large cheese pizza. But it's also pretty annoying when she shits on my carpet and pees on my bed.

Ok I mean that bed peeing thing only happened the first couple of months that I got her. But I was ready to turn her out on the streets. Honestly, one of the reasons why I got her instead of a kitten is because she's old and I know she'll die in a reasonable amount of time. Like 5 years tops.

How people my age are already reproducing ON PURPOSE is beyond me.AND THEN, just when I think I have it all figured out, some unreasonably hot guy strikes up a conversation with me at the grocery store as the sweat from my workout is drying and a new sweat mustache is forming. I'd forgotten a bobby pin so my bangs are all askew and I'm wearing my glasses, my makeup basically all melted off at that point.I basically looked like a monster.For some reason he asked for my number and then actually used it.I don't know. I don't get it. I give up.

Orange is the New Black

When you find out that a guy you were seeing a few months ago is dating someone else. This would not be a big deal except this guy is actually going to PRISON at the end of the year for NOT a short amount of time because he did some pretty shitty stuff.
The guy who is going to PRISON has managed to find someone who will still date him even though he is GOING TO PRISON and you cannot.

Because you are a meanie.
And scare even the nicest guys away after two dates. Because you are mean.
Except you didn't even realize that you were being mean and maybe you WEREN'T but maybe the this second date guy exists on a different planet where people communicate differently than you and you weren't mean at all but you hurt his feelings anyway. And he seems like such a good guy that try to apologize for being mean EVEN THOUGH YOU WEREN'T but he's ignoring you because he's not an insane masochist and then you feel awful about it forever even though it was maybe not meant to be in the first place.

Say You Will, Say You Won't, Make Up Your Mind

Is life really about doing what you want? Is that all there is to it, in the end? That's a sort of selfishness is appealing but can also be hurtful to others. So then it becomes a matter of which you care about less: getting what you want or hurting someone. There are a few things to consider. Like do I care about this person enough that I don't want hurt them? What if I choose not to hurt this person, don't get what I want, and I suffer instead? To what extent should we force ourselves to suffer so as to not cast that struggle on to someone else?Shit happens and people get hurt. That's the way it goes. We have to be selfish to make the best lives for ourselves. Other people can't be our main priority.For the record, I'm talking only about participating adultish people here. Not like people with families or major responsibilities or anything. That's the point of it all anyway, isn't it? To get those major responsibilities? To rely on ourselves. To find people who deserve our selflessness. Maybe being selfish comes first, so we can be selfless later. We're all working to get to what we want. To get the big career or family or that rad vacation or whatever it is. There's always a price to pay, something to lose, sacrifices to make.

regina george cheese fries gif

That Time I Acted Like Even More Of An Awkward Moron Than Usual

This is the story of the time my friend Jake came to visit me and I was awkward. The two aren't directly correlated, but he was visiting while I was awkward, which gives the awkwardness more of a time frame, since it is a regular occurrence in my life.It was the third and final night of Jake's visit. Some of my friends were doing a sketch comedy show that night, and I'd already decided like a month before that I'd be attending. Friendly support and all, ya know? So I told this to Jake and after a day of beach bumming and trying to find the Daredevil premiere, we headed on over.Since I had no food in my house that I was willing to share because I 1) am poor and 2) eat strange foods that no one would want to share anyway, we first stopped at a bar so Jake could eat and we could drink. There was a painting night going on. Many single ladies and unwilling boyfriends were there. We sat at the bar. The guy next to Jake was drunk and hitting on a girl. The bartenders were very attractive. I've been meaning to go back and see if either of them will marry me, come to think of it. They're both probably actors though, so :/We got to the theater and I introduced Jake to a bunch of people while we waited in line. Finally we took our seats and the show started. It was funny and we laughed. Then it was over and we all went outside to congratulate our friends on being funny and to bask in the glow of their coolness. I was so overwhelmed by all the coolness that I forgot that I am not one actually possessing the cool and then I asked a very attractive guy if I could touch his hair.Luckily I knew this guy and even remembered his name. This is not a normal thing for me, remembering names, and I only happened to remember his because it was like the third time we'd met and he pretended to be offended that I didn't remember it last time. For the sake of this post, he will henceforth be known as Attractive Guy. So this was like the third or even fourth time we met face to face and actually made a point to say hi and exchange actual words, which is major progress, believe it or not. Before we'd met, I'd seen him a few times, in my super awkward stalker (stalkward?) way. Like imagine me at a barbecue, hiding behind a potted plant as I scout out the scene. Because even though I've never actually done that, that is what I do in my mind every time I'm in a social setting. Every. Time.We met at a friend's party a few months ago. I was doing my stalkward thing and I noticed his presence. As I'd done before, I took a moment mourn what would never be and then moved on. Imagine my horror when, just an hour or so later, we actually spoke. To each other. Even if I'd anticipated such a scenario would ever happen (and let's be real, my imagination creates some pretty detailed scenarios), I would not have been prepared. He told me his name was Attractive Guy. Our conversation was brief, as most of my conversations tend to go. We spoke again later. I told him I'd forgotten his name.Thus began our torrid love affair. Just kidding. Come on. The next time I saw Attractive Guy was at the comedy show. I was like "Hey Attractive Guy, like how I remembered your name?" and we talked about things that I don't remember because they were probably stupid."Your hair looks different," I pointed out."Probably because you can see it," he said.I feel like I laughed too much at this comment, even though I'm sure I didn't, but I might just be trying to erase the entire encounter from my memory. Anyway. Normally he wore hats. That night he wasn't. And because his hair looked like a gravity defying cloud, I asked to touch it. Because that is who I am and that is the sort of thing I do.Then I touched his hair and it did not feel like a cloud because it was hair, not a cloud.Then we left because Jake was tired and I needed to die of embarrassment.

Thus With A Kiss I Die. Again. And Again.

And we're kissing now.  Okay.  Guess he missed the point of my pointed awkward hug, huh?  At least he's not terri- that hand better not move any further.  Smart boy.  Oh aaand he's pulling me closer.  And there's the tongue.  We could not have read this night more differently.Ok bye."I'll definitely be seeing you again," he said.OH WILL YOU NOW?

umm no ru paul gif

This was the guy who rode horses.  The equestrian from Pasadena.  Taking a page from Rory Gilmore's book, I created a mental pro/con list.  I had a good enough time.  I didn't go in expecting much.  He made several stupid/douchey comments throughout our conversation which I overlooked in favor of not killing myself, but when we parted ways I began to notice just how much of a jackass he really was.

Oh, your parents are both from Missouri, which means you're not the stereotypical L.A. douche?

regina george shut up gif

Yeah, it turned out to really just be a con list.

I went out with a guy who grew up in Portland.  Maine.  Oh, he also grew up in fucking France I guess.  When did we go out?  Wednesday I think?  What's today?  Saturday.  God this is exhausting.Yeah, turns out that agreeing to go out with someone just because they're from Maine is not a good idea.  I mean I was also impressed that he was finishing writing a book and had just graduated from Cambridge.  I was like ooh, he's fancy and smart and TALL.No.Despite not actually being British, he represented the stuffy stereotype like he was getting paid for it.  I think that part of the problem was that he was old.  30 I think.  Which isn't even old unless you're a pseudo-Brit.Apparently I'm mature for my age, at least in some regard.  Like, middle-aged Uber drivers are my favorite because we have the best conversations about life.  One guy even gave me his card to keep in touch.  He was partly impressed by me because I was so coherent for being so drunk.A true sign of intelligence.All of the friends that I've made since college have been older than me, at least by a year, but most of them by several.  I tried dating a guy who was younger than me once and it was terrible.  Boys tend to mature more slowly than girls, so even a guy who's mature for his young age is still behind me.I'm so not interested in waiting around for anyone to catch up.

little house on the prairie wait for me gif

No.You'd think that an old, basically British guy would be a good fit, right?  Or something like that I guess.  But no, of course not.  Because it turns out a 30 year old British dude is the equivalent of a normal 60 year old man.Poor Kate Middleton.He didn't really want to tell me about Medieval History, the subject he likes enough to write a fucking book about, and I was over here like if someone can make me interested in Quantum fucking Physics, you can make me interested in this.  And then he was scared to give me his opinion on how Gilmore Girls is misogynistic.I can't date a stuffy old man who isn't proud of what he does and doesn't stand up for his opinions.  The end.

Ah, and then there was last night's guy.  I don't even know what to call him because there's nothing significant about him, except that I liked him.  It was the most generic date ever, which actually worked quite well.  I guess certain dates become go-tos for a reason.  A movie followed by drinks?  Bingo.We went to see the newest Hunger Games movie and it was good, but not gonna lie, I spent the entire movie thinking about the dog I played with beforehand.

turner and hooch

That dog.  The Turner and Hooch dog.  I love dogs.  A lot.  Especially mastiffs.  Especially Dogues de Bordeaux.

Is that where the goes?  Is it Dogue de Bordeauxes?  I'm pretty sure it's the same rule that applies to passers-by but who am I to say?

These are the important questions.

So, um, yeah.  My obsession with that dog didn't scare him away, so that scored him like a million points.  Umm what else is there to say?  Good dates are particularly uninteresting.  Oh, but I do have a word problem for you guys.

Zoe and Brian go out on a date.  If Brian had two beers, Zoe had one, and they both had a good time, how awkward will their first kiss be?


No actually it was adorable aw yay.

You See How Picky I Am About My Shoes and They Only Go On My Feet

At this point I've gone out with an Israeli, a future murderer, a bearded guy from Indiana, a guy who spent the majority of the time talking about Quantum Physics, and a body builder from Texas.  I have started scheduling two dates into one day if possible, the first being today.  I had a breakfast date with Texas and I'm going for drinks tonight with a guy who rides horses.  That will be interesting, but he's also from LA.I have also learned that none of these are actually dates.  They are hang outs and get togethers.  I guess that does make sense, just to make sure neither party is a total psycho, but I don't think that's the reason.  I'm currently being the passive one and letting the guys call all the shots, letting them be the ones who message me first.That is, unless there's someone I'm really interested in.They all keep it vague.  Play it cool.  Most of them suggest drinks.  Only one asked me to dinner, but it ended up being a well lit, completely unromantic BBQ place.  He had crazy eyes and ate about three times less than me.  One suggested coffee, and another actually put some thought into what I might like to do (only to have to reschedule it to the breakfast instead).I suppose drinks make sense.  They have the potential to be quick but also really can't last too long.  Not for me, anyway, because sloppy drunk first impressions are not good first impressions.  It's a nice way to judge someone in that aspect though, because any guy who gets too drunk on a first date is not someone I want to see again.Out of these 5, there's only been one that I've been even a little interested in.  The guy who talked my ear off about science, of all people.  I've always found that whole topic interesting, but every time I would read an article, even a short one, if I didn't get too bored to finish, I'd instead have to look up like five different terms, only to have to look up like five more terms for each of those.  Learning Quantum Physics is like slaying a hydra.Cut one head off, two more grow in its place.But oh my god just kill me, listening to that guy explain it was fucking adorable.  I have such a crush.  He has a motorcycle too, of course.The rest of them though, just missed the mark.  The only guy I did not like at all was the guy with crazy eyes, both because he seemed like the controlling type who would end up murdering his Stepford wife but also because he ate way less than me.  I did not like him.The Texas guy today, man I was bummed about that one.  I didn't dislike him, but he made such a bad first impression.  Basically rolled out of bed and drove to the restaurant.  He was completely out of it for like the first half hour.  He was an interesting person - one of the first things he told me was that he had clinical depression.  Not even in an awkward way, though I imagine most people would have disagreed.  I don't think that mental health should be a taboo subject and his ability to state it so plainly really impressed me.He was actually very honest the entire meal, which was refreshing.  I wish I liked him.  Alas, those feelings were definitely not there.  Part of that was definitely the long hair.  I tried, I really did, but ick.Now I have drinks with the horseback rider tonight, drinks with a guy who grew up in Maine Wednesday, vague plans with a cute nerd on Friday, and tentatively something on Saturday with Quantum Physics.This is absolutely insane. 

Yesterday's Gone, Yesterday's Gone

So I was talking to one of my friends a couple of weeks ago, in one of our typical 5 hour phone conversations where we stop talking about moving in with our boyfriends and living in new cities long enough to talk about the things that are actually important, like shopping and Doctor Who.Oh wait, I think I have that backwards.  Just kidding, no I don’t.She wanted to know about Ryan, since, you know, she was there for my first boyfriend experience, that breakup, and the whole Joshua debacle (before and after, twice).  The little she knew from our annual 4/20 reunion was simply NOT good enough.Honestly, most of my friends know little more than what I’ve written in this blog.  Ok that is actually a lie.  But few of my friends know a lot.  No, that’s actually a lie too.  I mean, my entire family has met him, and I’m talking about a ton of my extended family on my mom’s side, too.  I basically dragged him everywhere to meet anyone I could.“Hey this is Ryan, my new boyfriend.  How did we meet?  Oh, haha, that’s a long story.  We’ve been together for three whole months, and we’re probably going to get married.”annie edison ghost story community gifUh, so yeah, there’s that.Whatever.  There’s a lot to it.  I’m still figuring it out, and for once, I’m taking my time in that department.  My friends know as much as I do, to varying degrees.  By the time I finished writing the terrible, epic tale of the J’s, I had already moved across the country and was sharing a bedroom with my boyfriend of four months.  Granted, we’d known each other for a couple of years, but come on now.  It took me a little while to calm down and get my shit together.So yeah.  I wasn't quite ready to write about it, but I think it's about time that I started.  If the amount of time it took me to write this short bit is any indication, it's going to take a while.  I want to get it right.  Plus there’s that whole book thing that I’m working on.jennifer lawrence funny face hunger games awesome gifRight.What it comes down to is that I’m still learning to accept that the guy who is wrong for me in all the ways that I thought were important is right for me in all the ways that actually are.Like how he’s on the shorter side.  I’m taking one for the team on that one, ladies.sadie awkward you're welcome gif