I don't have anything to write about

This is fairly straightforward. I don't have anything to write about. Scratch that. I feel like I don't have anything to write about. I think I don't have anything to write about. I think I don't have anything interesting to write about. If I don't have anything interesting to say, why say anything at all?

I used to pride myself on turning mundane, everyday goings-on into comical mishaps. But... I haven't done that in months. Years? I felt too frustrated and depressed to bother. My brain wouldn't allow for that kind of creativity.

I've changed my external world. I'm not reading into what you say, the words you text, the ideas you write. I take your words at face value and don't try to dig and make excuses and understand why you say what you say or how you say it. If you do not exude the kind of energy, positivity, good intentions, honesty, communication that I want, then I'm not interested. But if you do... let's see where things go.

"Don't mistake kindness for desire." I've spent most of my time the last weeks thinking about those words. I typically read these kinds of critical, keen observations from an acute, as-intersectional-as-I-am-currently-knowledgeable-but-still-cis-white feminist lens, directed at *men.* But I've come a long way in my three years of therapy. Instead... Instead, I thought of myself. Have I surrounded myself with people so unkind that I'm not longer familiar with that quality? So unfamiliar that when I experience it, I mistake it for desire? I have devoted my intentions to develop kindness as my baseline. This means that some people are no longer in my life -- and for which, I am all the better. It also means respecting boundaries that others (men) set with me.

You say you only want to be friends? Okay, fine. But that means I will interpret your words as such forever. I cannot believe you'll change your mind at some point. I can't imagine what life would be like if we dated. Can't hold on to a thing that is not real and was consciously rejected by you.

I'm deconstructing some of my own boundaries. Friendship is my priority. Fostering dynamic, respectful relationships. But I've been guarded and insecure for a long time. Attempting a new friendship terrifies me. Deepening relationships I already have terrifies me.

Being rejected for who I am terrifies me.

The more myself I become, the more joyful I feel. I'm excited and confident and I want everyone to feel this way. It's a lot easier for me to achieve these successful, enjoyable friendships when I enjoy myself. And I really fucking do.